Belief
Sniffing like padres for a sin,
I caught your hate in the air.
Citation-armed and tongue taut,
you were so prepared.
A locomotive transplant,
I ducked passages of mayhem,
reading from your book of god.
Your conviction narrowed your eyes,
seeking to know a newfound stranger,
as I challenged and sought to know
you, too.
A miscreant from down under,
I heard the canopies of forever come down,
the wrath of the Old Testament.
You asked,
“Who art thou that crept from a four leaf clover
in the dawn of sibilance?
The grace of the almighty saves you
and you hold a cacophony over holy water?
I shalt not know the nonbeliever
that ushers a whinny
afore stomping the ashes of her
dead brethren. Don’t you know you’ll go to hell?”
Darren,
ReplyDeleteI really admire how your drafts seek out the totally unexpected in language. Lines like "sniffing like padres for a sin," "your convictions narrowed your eyes," etc. are very evocative and fresh. I also like the final question you end with. Here the language falls flat and stands out more sharply from the heightened language you have previously been using. That being said, there are some places where the language seems to obscure the image or idea it is trying to evoke. For instance, "a locomotive transplant, I ducked passages of mayhem," while interesting language, it also becomes a little more difficult to know exactly what you are describing here. Similarly, "you hold a cacophony over holy water" seems a little convoluted in its sense. How exactly would someone even hold a cacophony and how would they hold it over holy water? It would be easy to say that you should pull away from abstractions like mayhem and cacophony, but you use abstraction well as well, as in the two lines I quoted above that contain sin and conviction. I think perhaps you could keep some of these abstractions that seem to be working, however, and in the place of other abstractions, such as mayhem, use more images to give readers a clearer sense of exactly what is happening. For example, instead of using the word mayhem, show us images of what that mayhem looks like. Or, more specifically, what the passages look like. Instead of saying that the "you" character was "so prepared," show us this preparedness. What makes the speaker a "miscreant?" What does this look like?
I agree with Melissa about the richness of the language in this draft. I don't know what "the dawn of sibilance" would look like, but I like the way it sounds. It's pretty clear that we've got the speaker interacting with someone he perceives as a self-righteous, nose-in-the-air know-it-all. Yet, for some reason, the way this draft reads, both the speaker and the person he's addressing have shown some interest in getting to know each other. Perhaps if you include some location for this interaction, you could go further into the dynamics of the contact between these two. Perhaps that would generate some ideas for expanding and clarifying the interaction here, and help to bring those images out of the obscurity Melissa mentioned.
ReplyDeleteFunny thing, for all the unexpected and interesting language in this draft, I think my favorite line is: "you were so prepared." I'm sure it wouldn't strike me so much without the line that precedes it--the more complex giving way to the straightforward. Finding a way to give more details of the story behind this interaction could provide more opportunities to juxtapose lines like this pair.
Darren,
ReplyDeleteThere are many images that stand out in this draft just like Michael said. I loved the first line, but I think a little expansion in this draft might help the narrative structure.
For instance, in the fourth line what was the speaker prepared for? Also, this draft could benefit from adding more location like Jonette said. How about setting in a particural domination or church. There are many images and language that could expand the draft to give it more detail. What things does the speaker encounter? Stained glass? Wooden pews? Graven christian images? All of these things might help give some importance of the struggle going on in this draft.